On Memento Mori

Remember, you are going to die.

The messed up thing about cancer is, everything goes on. Your life is like it is right now, except you are sick all the time and have a ton of new bills.

I read on Patrick Stuart's blog the other day,

Guys with a significant impact in forming the social and interest groupings that lead into the modern OSR but so far as I know, not currently deeply engaged with online social stuff at the moment, with them concentrating on other things.
Well, yes. I've been concentrating on other things. In the last three years, I've had to deal with cancer, divorce, custody arrangements, two moves, some of my best friends moving away, the death of my father, and other minor stressors aside. I know this breaks my rule about talking about myself on the blog. It's a good rule. People shouldn't do it.

I had something of an epiphany the other day.

I was hospitalized the year before this string of disasters, due to a stress-induced ischemia. For those of you that don't know, that means I have a mental disorder that gave my intestines a heart attack.

I don't ever, ever, talk about this. I think the majority of people who do talk about problems like this are attention seeking. I am on very strong medication since that medical event.

The important thing is, even though I know better, I am beset by fears of all the worst kinds. My first thought is, "What is the worst possible outcome of this situation?"

Well, let me tell you. Every single one of my fears came true. Every single one. If I were to list everything my deepest darkest fears about the future would hold—the fears that literally almost killed me and landed me in the hospital—you would find that they all came true. One after the other after the other after the other.

Aaaand, *pats self down*, I'm somehow still here. At some point something changed. Either the medicine is really working or just after responding to nightmare after nightmare my ability to respond to new disasters is just muted; I don't know. What I do know, is I've spent most of the last three years just coping instead of working because of the stress. And now, nothing has changed. Disasters still loom. I'm still fighting for custody. I'm still dealing with very serious fires.

But I don't feel like I need to spend all my time coping and recovering. What I feel like, is I want to get back to damn work making dungeons filled with green gas. So, uh, I'm going to be doing that.

This message isn't about the blog. It's about taking steps for me, moving forward in this crisis. Being less closed up and connecting with more people. So, in order to do that, instead of posting something on my blog every day in April, which is full of a lot of meaningless noise, I'm going to post something every day on my social media about my life. Sharing thoughts and pictures. Some will be about gaming. If you're interested, I'm on Facebook here, and Google + here. It's a way of moving forward.

Blogwise, some work and surprises are in store for April. I'm only going to break one rule in this post ("Don't talk about yourself") not two ("Don't talk about what you're going to do on your blog") I look forward to seeing you.

P.S. Could you imagine doing a Kickstarter or something and having this happen? The added guilt of people who gave you money on the front end? It doesn't absolve anyone, but I'm glad I didn't have a situation like that.

Hack & Slash 



8 comments:

  1. This is a rule worth breaking, now and again. Goodness knows I break it often enough.

    I look forward to seeing more of you in the coming month!

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  2. Hey man..keep coping, keep on keepin' on, and good luck with your journey.

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    Replies
    1. Indeed!: letting folks know that you have had (and still have) serious shit going down just let us know that you're still thinking about stuff we call care about, amidst your turmoils. Stay strong when you can, and ask for help when you need it. We're here either way.

      Allan.

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  3. Does the support of almost completely anonymous blog readers matter? Because if so, you got it.

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  4. Hello, old friend. I'm sorry to hear that your path has been hard lately. You've got a rare mind, and I hope it finds both pleasant distraction and deeper satisfaction soon.

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  5. I don't remember how I came to your blog, but some years ago I started in the OSR-sphere (or whatever you call it) by reading your posts about the quantum ogre and adventure design.
    I hope you overcome all this. :)

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  6. For what it's worth, I don't know you at all, or anything about you personally other than what you have posted here, right now. But: I have gained tremendous pleasure and benefit from the things you have written on this blog. They have, in a non trivial way, made my life better. No joke. Thank you.

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